Home > Christianity, Church, Church Search, Faith, Humor > Hi-Larry-ity #4: 5 Churches You Need To Avoid

Hi-Larry-ity #4: 5 Churches You Need To Avoid

A couple of years ago we embarked on a church search.  We visited several churches during this time.  We saw some good churches and some that were not quite up to snuff.  We felt like we became experts on churches while we were searching.  Here are 5 churches that you need to avoid.

1.  Snake handling Churches.  Yes, I know this one is low hanging fruit.  There have always been plenty of jokes about snakes and churches.  We have more than our fair share here in East Tennessee.  So, yes, this one is easy.  The thing is, you still have to pick the low hanging fruit, though I’m not sure we should talk about snakes and fruit in the same blog post.  And yes, I will make a door on my way out if there isn’t one available.

2.  Kool-Aid Churches.  No, I’m not talking about the green Kool-Aid served VBS.  I’m talking about those that serve grape Kool-Aid during communion or the Lord’s Supper.  You have Kool-Aid for the Lord’s Supper?  Sorry, I’m not drinking the Kool-Aid.

3.  King James Churches.  No, I don’t mean KJV only churches.  I don’t really have any problem with them if that’s the direction they want to go.  No, I’m talking about a church that has a picture of Lebron hanging up as I walk in the door.  Yes, I know that is  a recycled joke from an earlier post, but this is the third one on the list and I’m needing something  funny.

4.  First Self-Righteous Churches.  These churches are known to have problems with bushy-tailed rodents that typically live in trees.  They tend to get loose and crawl up the britches legs of poor, unsuspecting parishioners.  This leads to unusual excitement within the church house leading to revivals where multiple deacons and even pastors are saved.

5.  Presbapticostalian Churches.  Don’t misunderstand me.  My church is a non-denominational church.  It’s made of up of former Baptists, Catholics, Presbyterians and others I’m sure.  But I’m not sure about a church where the pastor wears a collar, walks the pews, and considers quoting Latin and Greek as speaking in tongues.

There you have it, folks, the 5 churches you need to avoid.

What churches would you avoid if you were searching for a church?

  1. June 21, 2013 at 1:05 am

    The Church of The Poisoned Mind 🙂

  2. June 21, 2013 at 6:39 am

    Crocodile handling churches- Because the Israelites probably had to deal with them in Egypt, so why not you?

    But serious question about the snake churches. Are they denoted as so in their church listings in the yellow pages? Or is there a sign on the door? Do they pass around the snake like the offering plate?

  3. June 21, 2013 at 11:58 am

    I would avoid a legalistic, KJV only, screaming/shouting, “we are the only ones right,” dress to the nine’s, church.

  1. June 21, 2013 at 6:03 pm

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