Home > Christianity, Faith, Humor > Hi-LARRY-Ity #7: 5 Reasons You Might Get In A Fistfight At Church

Hi-LARRY-Ity #7: 5 Reasons You Might Get In A Fistfight At Church

I don’t know about you, but it’s been a long time since I have actually gotten into a fist fight.  That’s not to say that there haven’t been an occasion or two where my ire has risen to the point that I thought I might come to blows with someone.  Here are 5 reasons someone might get into a fist fight at church.

Another Man Gives Your Wife Flowers

You come into the middle of a conversation that your wife is having with a couple of guys.  All you hear about is flowers from one guy and flowers from the other.  You start to puff up in indignation that these men are giving your wife flowers.  You start taking your jacket off and are thinking about proceeding with taking your shirt off as well.  Your wife notices that you are about to really into it with these fellows and begins to laugh.  She finally explains to you that one of them is talking about T.U.L.I.P. and the other is talking about Daisies( He loves me, He loves me not).  The fight is averted.

You Are Accused Of Coming Out

Your small group is discussing theology.  One guy in particular is interested in your theology and asks if you are Emerging or Emergent. Your blood begins to boil because everyone saw you arrive with your wife and this guy is accusing you of coming out.  Then he describes what Emerging and Emergent theology means.  Crisis thwarted.

Ethnic Divisions

You and some others in your church are having a discussion on the nature of God, sin and man.  Someone finally says that you are an Arminian.  You insist you are not.  Back and forth, you go.  Things are getting heated.  You finally, forcefully, say that your family is not from Armenia.  They are from Georgia.  The heat of the argument dissipates quickly when your opponent tells you there is a difference between an Arminian and an Armenian.

Political Divisions

You didn’t grow up in church, so you are not familiar with all of the goings-on within the church.  You go to a little country church and have a special Fifth Sunday Singing one night.  At some point the choir director asks everyone to open up the little red book.  Since you are a political conservative, you assume he is talking about some communist document.  You are about to go up and defend your country when the music starts and your realize the red book is a hymnal.

College Football

It’s the Sunday after the Third Saturday of October.  You’re still new in church are not familiar with all of the old traditional hymns.  The church begins singing Grace Greater Than Our Sin.  You go along until you come to the line that says, “There is flowing a crimson tide, brighter than snow you may be today.”  You assume that the music minister is an Alabama fan and decide that he needs to be whipped for singing that song.  You start after him until you notice him wearing an orange tie and realize he must be alright.

There you have it.  Five reasons you might get into a fist fight in church.

Have you ever came close to getting into a fight at church?

  1. rickd3352013
    July 12, 2013 at 1:09 am

    Larry? Your southern roots run *real* deep – and they’re showing. No one too far north of you much cares about orange or red ties 🙂

    Does T.U.L.I.P stand for something in particular? 🙂

    • July 12, 2013 at 5:49 am

      You mean everyone doesn’t know what the 3rd Saturday in October is? Or what T.U.L.I.P. is?

      • rickd3352013
        July 12, 2013 at 7:00 am

        You got it, ace – haven’t a clue. Fill me in? 🙂
        Tulip is a flower to me, and any significance to that date, if it is likely tied to sports, I wouldn’t know.

  2. July 12, 2013 at 7:14 am

    Funny stuff. I was once almost a part of a mob fight. It was scary. We went across the street from our church to eat dinner at Taco Bell. There was a HUGE mob of teens hanging out. I was a teen and my friend was accused of kissing some guy’s girl friend. They attacked him and he ran off into the church. They then started picking on us looking for a fight. We too quickly went into the church for safety.

  3. rickd3352013
    July 12, 2013 at 8:52 am

    Never mind – I’ve *never* been a Calvin fan – unless its Calvin and Hobbes – and I’m not a fan of America’s sanctioned religion of football. That would explain why the references didn’t click…

    • July 12, 2013 at 8:59 am

      Rick, after reading and studying and studying and reading, I told some people what I believed. They told me I was a Calvinist. Then I had to find out what that meant and lo and behold, what all of these Calvinists believed lined up with what I had learned from the Bible.

      And I couldn’t help but be a Tennessee fan after being born on the 3rd Saturday in October, 1968.

      • rickd3352013
        July 12, 2013 at 11:49 am

        I hear ya – especially on the last part 🙂

        Based on what I read (present tense) and have read, I don’t think my thinking quite lines up with Calvin’s beliefs in some areas. Mind you, just because I’m not a fan of his – especially on how I understand his beliefs on predestination – doesn’t mean the man didn’t contribute some powerful stuff to the faiths of many. I just don’t believe in putting another man on a pedestal. 🙂

        The “T” on your hat should have been a giveaway, but I can’t help it that football and I don’t make a connection. 🙂

      • July 12, 2013 at 1:14 pm

        I wish it wasn’t called Calvinism. I like Reformed Theology better. Most Calvinists I know don’t put him up any higher than anyone else.

      • rickd3352013
        July 12, 2013 at 1:17 pm

        Larry The Deuce :
        I like Reformed Theology better.

        On that, you get a big “Amen” from up here!

  4. philsname32
    July 12, 2013 at 10:52 am

    Doesn’t count because I went to a Christian school that was held at our church, but I got into a fight with my brother there. These all cracked me up. Just 50 more days until football returns!

  5. Ricky Anderson
    July 12, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    I haven’t, but my youngest brother did. He taught a bully quite the lesson.

    • July 12, 2013 at 1:12 pm

      In reality, I have come close and it wasn’t for any of my humorous reasons.

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