Home > Blogging, Christianity, Church, Faith, Humor > Hi-LARRY-Ity #8: 5 Hazards Of Playing Church League Softball

Hi-LARRY-Ity #8: 5 Hazards Of Playing Church League Softball

Recently I found out that the church I am now happily part of has a softball team.  They happened to play the team my daughter’s boyfriend plays on, so she and my son went to watch.  Once they got home, my son decided that he and I should play next year.  Now, you have to understand something.  I played years of church league softball and I have been retired now for well over a decade.  Why am I retired, you ask?  Because despite the harmless sounding name, church league softball, it is fraught with danger of which you cannot imagine unless you have played for several years.  For example:

  • The Right Fist of Fellowship — normally exchanged with a player on an opposing team, though not unheard of to have happened among teammates.
  • Bodily Injury — usually caused from lack of stretching or being in reasonable shape, though other hazards of the game could be the cause.
  • Family Values — one would think that family values would be of utmost importance to everyone involved, but, sadly, this is not always the case.
  • The Thrill of Victory, The Agony of Defeat — if you have never watched Wide World of Sports, then I just plain feel sorry for you.
  • Unity of the Body — often church league softball is played under the premise of fellowship with other guys in the local body of believers, as well as those in other churches.  Alas……

Now that we are aware of the potential hazards of church league softball, let’s peek into the life of a player and how these dangers could be played out.

Let’s say that a particular player wanted to play, but his wife has just had a baby so he decides to bow out for the season.  However, the coach twists his arm into being a standby player.  Somehow, though, this particular standby player manages to play in nearly every game (Family Values).  Why?  Because some players who are not in reasonable shape and who have not stretched pop their hamstrings often enough that this new father has to play (Bodily Injury).  Plus one player has been asked not to come back because he and another teammate got into a fight (Right Fist of Fellowship) after neither one of them would call the other off of a fly ball and ran into each other (Bodily Injury, again).

The standby, now permanent, player is a lefty.  He also happens to be extremely fast.  He drills the ball to the first baseman and manages to beat him to the bag by several steps.  However, the first baseman, who happens to be 6′ 3″ and about 280, lunges and tags the player in a sensitive area with all of his weight behind him (Bodily Injury).

Afterwards, when our hero is now in the field playing third base, the first baseman comes to bat.  He runs from second to third and the shortstop attempts to throw him out.  Instead, he gets plunked in the back of the head.  Our third baseman picks up the ball and tags him out.  The big guy starts shoving our friend around, who doesn’t have the sense to stand down from someone twice his size.  They almost come to blows, but are quickly separated  (Right Fist of Fellowship).

Late in the game, with the score tied, the left fielder fields a ball and throws it to our focal point of the story.  He whips the ball to the catcher in an attempt to throw the runner out.  The ball whizzes by the runner’s ear, but the catcher cannot hang onto the ball and he scores.  Our team loses (Thrill of Victory, Agony of Defeat).

For some reason, one of the player’s wives begins shouting at our guy, accusing him of attempting to hit the runner in the head.  Shouting begins between our losing player and the lady.  She also happens to be the wife of the guy who has already hurt our fellow and tried to get in a fight with him.  They have to be separated and the two churches are mad at each other because all of the fans were the members of each church (Unity of the Body).

When our stand-in player gets home, his wife is fuming because she has had the baby all day and all night.  She asks how it went and he isn’t in a good mood.  They get into it and fight.  His wife carries his pillow to the couch, where he sleeps for the night (Family Values).

There you have it, the dangers of playing church league softball.

Fortunately, none of this is true.

Have you ever played church league softball?  Do you know of any dangers associated with it?

 

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  1. July 19, 2013 at 6:08 am

    Oh yes it is true…played out on church softball.fields all over the south, at least. Remember the ruckus, I mean competition, was started and ended with both teams lined up on the baselines praying? We tried to use softball as an outreach tool. Meaning guys who never came to our church, but were uber-competitive, were part of the team….and representing our church…probably not a good idea. But it was a lot of fun, honestly.

  2. Ricky Anderson
    July 19, 2013 at 8:17 am

    I saw a guy catch a grounder with his mouth. He was bleeding everywhere, and sifting through the dirt, mumbling, “My teef! My teef!”

    He lost four of them, but we won the game so it was worth it.

  3. July 19, 2013 at 8:30 am

    None of this is true? Sez who? i umpired softball for 3 years. The worst games to do so were the church softball ones (and the ladies).

  4. July 19, 2013 at 9:05 am

    I played several seasons at several different churches throughout my church softball career. I was the Designated hitter on one team. Best. Years. Ever. Show up, bat, go home. AWESOME.

    Of all those years the church I attended where I didn’t play (too busy) had the only church softball program that actually functioned Christ-like. Two teams that were fun to watch, fun to play for or against and acted as an outreach of sorts. A rarity to be sure. 3 seasons in a row our teams played each other for the championship and at those games were huge crowds to watch.

    However, that is not the norm and it’s sad.

  5. jonstolpe
    July 19, 2013 at 9:28 am

    I played for ~10 years when I was younger. I’m not sure how my body would adjust to it now, but I’d love to give it a try if I had more time.

  6. July 19, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    I figure every sports needs spectators, that’s me, unless a ball hits me or I fall down the stairs or I choke on a hot dog I am pretty safe sitting in the stands yelling. Kiinda of funny post Larry.

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